


Jane and Jane

by SeeMe



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: BLU Soldier has got the secrets, BLU hates him so much, Characters referred to by their team names, Gen, I am not a serious person and my writing often reflects this, Not Beta Read, RED Soldier is THE BEST LAWYER, They're both named Jane ok, Written in a day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 06:22:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11075841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeMe/pseuds/SeeMe
Summary: The BLU Soldier has a terrible, terrible legal secret that he needs to fix. However, in order to do that, he'll have to enlist the help of a certain raccoon-obsessed lawyer.OR:BLU Soldier wants to change his name but paperwork is hard. Enter RED Soldier, the Lawyerer.





	Jane and Jane

It took every single ounce of the BLU Soldier’s willpower not to break the commie rat’s neck when he first saw him. The obnoxious RED moron had the audacity to grin at him as he opened the heavy wooden door of his castle, but the grin faded away once the raccoon-obsessed idiot lifted his helmet enough to allow him to see who his visitor was.

“What are you doing here, hippy?” BLU grimaced, then thrust the advertisement torn straight from a newspaper into his counterpart’s face. RED was faced with his own grinning mug as he posed with a large boogery trophy beside the massive legend **I AM THE BEST LAWYER**.

“You are a lawyer.”

“I am a lawyer,” RED agreed. “But I do not represent hippy scumbags like yourself. Enjoy prison, maggot.” He moved back, swinging the heavy door shut.

Or he would have, if not for BLU’s quick kick to the lower panel of the rune-carved slab of wood. It caught the RED Soldier in the chest and he staggered backward with a low grunt, his hand coming up to the wounded area.

“You freedom-hating RED rat, I will NOT be dismissed without having stated my purpose for being here! I am not up for persecution, it is not that kind of legal matter that I need,” BLU’s jaw clenched tight, his entire body trying to fight the words that he knew he had to force out, “... your help for. It is an administrative issue!” He seemed to realise that he was still holding the shred of newspaper and he dropped it, thrusting a battered manila folder at the RED. “Your advertisement said you take any case! Is that a lie, you lying commie bastard?”

“ _Prosecution_ ,” RED said, smugly. “What kind of administrative issue?” He made no move to take the buff-colored folder from the BLU. 

BLU grunted at the idiot.

RED grunted back.

Once again, BLU considered simply killing his counterpart. If he did that, at least he wouldn’t have to admit his deepest, dirtiest secret to the enemy. But, if he did that, he would have to find another lawyer, one who might ask a lot more questions than RED might.

“I need to change my legal name. But I do not know how.”

RED’s sneer changed to something that seemed a little more confused, uncertain. He reached out and snatched the folder from BLU, holding it by the spine and shaking it. BLU growled, his hands clenched into tight fists as the RED dared to assume that he would attack a man of Legal Standing while seeking out his aid.

“It isn’t boobytrapped, you booby. I am not some sneaky RED bastard who cannot kill his enemy on the field and therefore must take to sneaking around planting letter bombs like some kind of-- some kind of skirt twirling coward!”

RED pushed his helmet up again, his steely-blue eyes scanning the BLU as if looking for some kind of weakness. It was a very long moment while RED looked at BLU, during which the BLU felt like some kind of strange new bug. Finally, RED shrugged and moved away from the door frame, leaving it wide open as he ambled deeper into the raccoon-infested trash pit he called a castle. After a disgusted look at the surroundings he was invited into, the BLU carefully stepped into the chaotic mess.

“ _Do not swallow bait offered by the enemy_.” RED quoted, gesturing with one hand at a well chewed armchair. “Sit down.”

BLU sat down gingerly, scooting his ass to the edge of the chair. He looked around at the jumble of old weapons, empty shell casings and overturned garbage cans and shuddered. His own standards of housekeeping were not something to write home to Mother about but this… this was a whole new level of messy. A masked rodent scampered out from under the chair to sniff at his boot. BLU's foot twitched with ill-suppressed dislike.

“If you kick her, I will have to fine you twenty dollars.” RED had opened the folder and was flicking through the the scattering of papers contained within. 

“What?”

“This is a raccoon sanctuary. Acting violently toward one of the animals is a finable offense. At least for the first two attacks,” RED licked his finger and separated one page from another. “On the third offense, you will be _persecuted_.” He tittered.

BLU glared down at the raccoon and folded his arms over his chest. “Fine,” he grumbled. “Are you going to take the case, or should I go find someone who isn’t completely crazy to do this?” It was driving him nuts, watching the RED flick through the documents that made up who he was. RED opened his big stupid mouth to respond when something in the folder caught his attention. His head jerked up and he lifted up a familiar and humiliating piece of green paper decorated in a half-assed houndstooth pattern. His head tilted to the side as he read it over again.

“This birth certificate….” He began, uncertainly.

“It is mine.” BLU snapped.

“It is for a--”

“It. Is. Mine.”

The RED did not seem to know how to handle the information he had been given. So he dropped the certificate back into the folder and leaned forward, putting his forearms on his knees. 

“It is very strange,” RED shook the file and BLU tensed all over, looking down at his clenched fists. Okay. Good. While the RED was distracted and spouting off whatever bullshit he was so laboriously thinking of, he would kill the sonofabitch and move on to another lawyer. BLU was already considering where he was going to bury the body when RED spoke again. “My name is also Jane Doe.”

That derailed BLU’s train of thought in a cataclysmic hurry. Of all the things that he had expected from the RED, that confession had not even crossed his mind. BLU leaned forward in an unconscious imitation of the other man.

“You are lying.”

RED - the other Jane - shook his head. “I do not lie! It is the truth. I was named after my mother.” He waved the folder at BLU. “But I see that is not how you got your name.”

BLU scowled fiercely, knuckles turning white as his nails dug into the flesh of his palms.

“Because your mother’s name was Myrtle.” BLU leaned back quickly, almost as if the RED’s line of conversation had physically knocked him backwards. It just did not make any sense at all. The RED soldier seemed to be actively dancing around the subject at hand, almost as if he were teasing BLU. BLU tilted his head back looking at the RED from underneath his helmet, trying to interpret his actions. The RED smiled at him. While it wasn't the same inviting smile that he had shown to the other soldier upon his arrival it was still a lot more friendly than the semi murderous scowl that had been on his face since he had realized who had come seeking legal counsel. The RED removed his helmet, setting it down on the coffee table that cowered before the ancient rodent-nibbled monstrosity of a sofa. 

BLU narrowed his eyes, looking from the helmet to the RED and back again. Just what was meant by that particular gesture, BLU could not say.

“We are not friends.” BLU was unnerved, thrown off balance by the sudden cheer that the RED was showing him. 

RED spread his hands wide. “No. I’m still going to kill you the next time we’re fighting.” BLU snorted derisively at the very idea of some RED weakling killing him. “But you _are_ my client now.”

“If you tell anyone about-”

RED held up a hand. “Look here, hippy. I am a lawyer, bound by means both legal and magical to keep confidence with my clients! I am not going to tell anyone that your name is - er, was? Is going to have been? I will not tell anyone that you were born with the name Jane if you do not want me to. You pay me for my consultations, I keep my mouth shut about your classified documents, we go back to destroying each other on the battlefield. That is how this works.”

BLU leaned against the back of the chair and immediately wished he hadn’t. It was damp and a peculiar musky smell seemed to bloom out of the tired fabric.

“Okay.”

“Okay.” RED hooked the leg of the coffee table with his boot and pulled it over, knocking some trash off of it to make room for the folder, which he opened to the blank Change Of Name form. “Now, first thing’s first. We need to find a newspaper in a twenty-mile radius that BLU hasn’t blown up.”


End file.
